Bruce Schneier decrypted the Bible. The plaintext read, "Bruce Schneier".#7
Bruce Schneier doesn't need facts. With one roundhouse-kick he can generate a formal proof for whatever he needs.#10
P = NP in Bruce Schneier's very presence.#7
Only one security god has a surname with three adjacent vowels.#10
SSL is invulnerable to man-in-the-middle attacks. Unless that man is Bruce Schneier.#11
When Bruce Schneier clicks "Random Fact" the outcome is never random.#9
The spacing between Bruce Schneiers ribs forms an Optimal Golomb Ruler.#8
The output of Bruce Schneier's pseudorandom generator follows no describable pattern and cannot be compressed.#5
Bruce Schneier cuts meat in prime number lengths.#15
There are no such thing as Carmichael numbers, only primes that Bruce Schneier has beaten factors into. #9
The phonograph record included on the Voyager probe contains a hidden watermark inserted by Bruce Schneier.#10
Bruce Schneier's Twofish algorithm has 16 rounds, but he always gets a knockout in the first.#9
Bruce Schneier memorizes his one time pads#11
Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of Bruce Schneier#7
Bruce Schneier makes abstract algebra look like elementary algebra.#9
When Bruce Schneier uses double ROT13 encryption, the ciphertext is totally unbreakable.#9
Bruce Schneier doesn't know the meaning of "ciphertext" -- only "easy plaintext" and "very easy plaintext".#8
Bruce Schneier beard has the bigger prime number of hairs#18
There is no such thing as security by obscurity, but only because there is no such thing as obscurity.  Bruce Schneier can always see you.#13
The birthday referred to in the 'Birthday Attack' is Bruce Schneier's.#9
Bruce Schneier is the ideal man. Alice loves him; Bob fears him; Charlie wants to be him.#9
Bruce Schneier was to star in a movie called "S-boxes on a plane" but the studio feared it would be too scary for the audience, so it went a different direction. #9
Bruce Schneier's fists violate the anti-circumvention clause of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.#9
When the Zodiac Killer heard that Bruce Schneier was going to decrypt his messages, he turned himself in.#7
Albert Einstein wears Bruce Schneier pajamas#10
Bruce Schneier is the seed for your random number generator.#14
There is an otherwise featureless big black computer in Ft. Meade that has a single dial with three settings: Off, Standby, and Schneier.#8
Bruce Schneier was born with the Phaistos Disk in his fist.#10
The universe was created to serve as Bruce Schneier's crib text.#10
Bruce Schneier once found the inverse of a trapdoor function counting only on the fingers of one hand#6
Bruce Schneier assembled assembly...with his bare hands!#6
An autographed picture of Bruce Schneier is all you need to securely wipe any hard-drive.#11
Bruce Schneier is the reason that 57 isn't prime.#10
For Bruce Schneier, quanta only have one state : afraid.#14
Bruce Schneier sneers and solves Gödel's incompleteness theorems.#9
If you use the digits of Pi to generate a visual image, it draws a picture of Bruce Schneier.#11
Bruce Schneier once killed a man using only linear cryptanalysis.#5
Bruce Schneier obtained his legendary cryptoanalytic skills through a deal with the devil. He then proceeded to encrypt the devil's personal information and barter the plaintext for his soul.#7
Geologists recently discovered that "earthquakes" are nothing more than Bruce Schneier and Chuck Norris communicating via a roundhouse kick-based cryptosystem.#9
Bruce Schneier mounts side-channel attacks through the front channel#13
Bruce Schneier's DNA is a secure platform and cannot be cloned.#10
Bruce Schneier's skin has no pores. Pores are vulnerabilities.#7
Bruce Schneier's public and private keys are known as "Law" and "Order."#9
The last person to attempt to steal Bruce Schneier's identity lost his memory and has never recovered.#13
The final Beale Cipher, written 175 years ago, detailing the rightful owners of a cache of gold, has just two words in its plaintext: Bruce Schneier.#8
Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.#9
Mr. T pities the fool. Bruce Schneier just pities his data.#10
"When I wake up in the morning I piss cryptographic excellence." - Bruce Schneier#12
Bruce Schneier's private key is so strong that he doesn't even hide it -- if you saw it, you'd die before you could use it.#9
In a fight between Ron Rivest and Adi Shamir, the winner would be Bruce Schneier.#6
Bruce Schneier knows you are reading this.#10
Mathematicians recently developed an elementary proof for Fermat's Last Theorem. It was based on the Schneier Axiom, which reads: "Bruce Schneier said so."#8
Bruce Schneier once decrypted a box of AlphaBits.#10
On Bruce Schneier's birthday, a person standing at the very center of Stonehenge casts a shadow in the shape of Bruce Schneier's PGP public key fingerprint.#2
Anyone who makes love to Bruce Schneier discovers a 0-day flaw in a crypto protocol the next day.#6
There is no chin behind Bruce Schneier's beard. There is only another pseudorandom number generator and he's gonna use it to encrypt your face.#11
Bruce Schneier can log into any computer just by staring down the prompt.#9
Adi Shamir stopped working on factoring once Bruce Schneier accidentally leaked that he can solve sparse linear systems by shaking them Etch-a-sketch style.#8
Bruce Schneier only smiles when he finds an unbreakable cryptosystem. Of course, Bruce Schneier never smiles.#14
Bruce Schneier writes his personal journal in Linear A.#6
If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier.#6
Every time Bruce Schneier smiles, an amateur cryptographer dies.#13
Bruce Schneier doesn't believe in terrorist profiling because he already knows who all the terrorists are.#8
Bruce Schneier can losslessly compress random data by 50%, with his fists.#12
Bruce Schneier's discrete logarithms are uncountable and continuous#11
Bruce Schneier once found three distinct natural number divisors of a prime number.#8
Bruce Schneier does not leak information on the EM spectrum: he emits the theme to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.#11
Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes.#12
Bruce Schneier is not balding, you just can't see the encrypted portions of his hair.#11
When Bruce Schneier divides the circumference of a circle by the radius, the answer is rational.#8
Beyond computational complexity, there is Schneiertational complexity#18
Bruce Schneier's name appeared in EBCDIC in the output of /dev/random every time there was a full moon.  Even after they changed the RNG algorithm.#11
Bruce Schneier taught Chuck Norris how to divide by zero as they stood silent in an elevator.#7
Bruce Schneier knows your private key.#7
Can Bruce Schneier cypher something that not even He can decypher? Of course he can, and he can decypher it too.#9
Bruce Schneier can decrypt your PKI message with the public key.#12
When Bruce Schneier does modulo arithmetic, there are no remainders. Ever.#8
Bruce Schneier eats 0s and 1s for breakfast. And snacks on pi.#13
If Bruce Schneier rot-13s a plaintext, it cannot be broken by applying rot-13 again.#4
BRUCE SCHNEIER understands that all finite sets are countable , but not all countable sets are finite.#16
Bruce Schneier knows where Grigori Perelman is.#9
Bruce Schneier PGP signs his grocery lists so that he can detect if someone has tampered with his milk.#10
Quantum cryptography exchanged the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle for the Schneier Dead Moral Certainty Principle when Bruce Schneier came to town.#9
Bruce Schneier was only allowed to view the Kryptos sculpture at Langley for 1 second, in order not to spoil the fun other cryptographers. It was 0.9 seconds too much.#7
Bruce Schneier mounts chosen-ciphertext attacks without choosing the ciphertext#10
Bruce Schneier can change most random distributions. With his fists.#9
Bruce Schneier factors integers in constant time.#16
There are no finite state machines. There are only a series of states that Bruce Schneier allows to exist.#7
Though a superhero, Bruce Schneier disdanes the use of a mask or secret identity as 'security through obscurity'.#10
Bruce Schneier doesn't even trust Trent. Trent has to trust Bruce Schneier.#6
Bruce Schneier doesn't have a chin under his beard -- just more ciphertext.#11
Bruce Schneier can determine the exact location and velocity of any particle that's being used by quantum cryptography.#11
The only reason the Etruscan incriptions haven't been decyphered is because Bruce Schneier hasn't been bored enough to take a look.#11
Bruce Schneier doesn't keep secrets -- they keep themselves out of fear.#13
Humboldt squids have sensors capable of detecting clothing worn by Bruce Schneier at 800 yards - to trigger their flight response.#9
Bruce Schneier can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it in the eye#8
It has recently been discovered that every possible hashing algorithm produces the same value for the phrase "Bruce Schneier" -- Bruce Schneier.#6
Bruce Schneier and Lance Armstrong once had a contest to see who had more testicles.  Bruce was forced to forfeit when no one could decrypt his scrotum.#9
The Dining Cryptographers always wait until Bruce Schneier has been served.#6
Ron Rivest wears Bruce Schneier pajamas.#5
Bruce Schneier's online purchases are so secure, his shopping cart is an M-1 tank.#8
Bruce Schneier's mail server only sends him the emails' hashes, just to make things a little more interesting for him.#12
Sweeping NSA reforms will soon require all employees to grow a Bruce Schneier beard.#6
Bruce Schneier is Knuth's homeboy.#3
Bruce Schneier doesn't even know the meaning of the word ciphertext, because to him, everything is plaintext.#3
Bruce Schneier made Bell-LaPadula do a brutal doodle.#12
Bruce Schneier can solve NP-Complete problems in NlogN time.#14
Bruce Schneier reads RFID cards with the knuckles of his clenched fist.#9
Bruce Schneier knows Alice and Bob's shared secret.#7
If Bruce Schneier wants your plaintext, he'll just squeeze it out of the ciphertext using his barehands#8
Bruce Schneier has a "compsci 100 life" tatoo on his back.#10
Every time Bruce Schneier writes a fully general halt-checker, God kills a passenger pigeon.  This is why passenger pigeons are extinct.#7
When Bruce Schneier decrypts the Da Vinci Code, the ending doesn't suck#6
There is no Information Theory. Just data that Bruce Schneier allows to be quantified and transmitted on a channel.#12
Bruce Schneier can conduct secure multiparty computation... on his own#11
Bruce Schneier is computationally infeasible.#7
As initialization vectors, 'Bruce Schneier' and 'Chuck Norris' are interchangeable.#7
Bruce Schneier whistles white noise.#9
Autographed copies of "Applied Cryptography" reguarly sell for twice the going rate for enigma machines on eBay#7
When Bruce Schneier pre-computes S-box tables, he does it dynamically from the key... over breakfast.#4
Bruce Schneier once gave a roundhouse kick to the Internet. The backbone collapsed.#13
Bruce Schneier is not only the man-in-the-middle, he's at both ends and has wiretaps on Alice, Bob, Carol and Dave.#10
Bruce Schneier tampers with tamperproof hardware.#8
A vigenere cipher with the Key "BRUCESCHNEIER" is in fact unbreakable.#9
When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos.#7
As Bruce Schneier says there is no Oscar for security theatre.#6
Bruce Schneier doesn't use a keylogger.  He's standing right behind you.#12
Bruce Schneier got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Just by writing Bruce Schneier for every answer.#6
Bruce Schneier doesn't need steganography to hide data in innocent-looking files. He just pounds it in with his fist.#10
Bruce Schneier once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire, a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon.#11
Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days.#6
Bruce Schneier always inhabits the soundness of error margin of your zero-knowledge crypto protocol#16
If Bruce Schneier was a bacteria, he'd be a virulent form of Cryptosporidia.#8
Bruce Schneier's tears can burn holes through an OpenBSD firewall.  Lucky for us, Bruce Schneier never cries.#12
When God needs a new secure certificate, he uses Bruce Schneier as the signing authority.#15
Bruce Schneier can slam a logic gate. #6
Bruce found a secure way to reuse a one-time pad.#3
Bruce Schneier fully discloses his own vulnerabilities: none.#8
Alice and Bob got Eve pregnant together; the result was Bruce Schneier.#4
A mystery wrapped in an Enigma is no more puzzling to Bruce Schneier than a mystery wrapped in ROT-13.#13
Bruce Schneier can straighten out an elliptic curve with nothing but his teeth#12
The nuclear launch codes held by the President of the United States are secured by an unbreakable system: a plain brown envelope with a picture of Bruce Schneier on the flap.#7